


To say ‘I love you’, right out loud

by SweetJames



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Internalised Homophobia, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetJames/pseuds/SweetJames
Summary: A snapshot of Aster and Ellie’s relationship over the years.
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 67
Kudos: 506





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a story about all the moments in Ellie and Aster’s relationship over the years. Each chapter will be snapshot from their relationship. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Please do leave comments and kudos. Thanks!

_Rows and flows of angel hair_  
_And ice cream castles in the air_  
_And feather canyons everywhere_  
_Looked at clouds that way_  
  
_\- Both sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

“I’ll see you in a couple of years” Ellie says turning on her heel, picking up her bike and disappearing down the street.

Aster is left reeling, her lips tingling from Ellie’s kiss, a small smile forms and before she knows it she’s standing in the street giggling. Giggling from Ellie’s kiss and from the complete madness of the last few months.

That night she goes home and lays on her bed, her cheeks growing pink at the mere thought of Ellie Chu. She isn’t sure what has happened to her in recent months, ever since the letters from Paul, or Ellie, she has turned into a completely different person. Someone who takes risks and trusts herself and dreams bigger than she ever thought she could. It’s overwhelming to find new sides of yourself you didn’t know existed, particularly when these sides of herself are unexpected, things she thought had buried years ago. But here they are again, bubbling just under the surface, the need to experience new things, to be loved truly and whole heartedly. Not by halves, not in the way Trig loved her, but to feel someone love her and understand all sides of her.

Ellie said she was leaving for Grinnell in the morning and the thought of losing Ellie when Aster has only just found her makes her heart hurt.

She isn’t sure how she ends up outside Ellie’s house just after midnight, but Aster is leaning on her beat up yellow car, hands buried into the pockets of her blue denim jacket, the moonlight shining down on her. Phone in hand Aster debates whether to text Ellie.

_DiegaRivero: Meet me outside?_

Five minutes later Ellie’s front door swings open.

“Hi” Ellie greets Aster, almost breathless from running down the stairs to see the dark haired girl.

“Hey” Aster responds, smiling in amusement at Ellie’s flushed cheeks.

“What are you doing here?” Ellie asks.

Aster shrugs, wishing she had thought this through more, “I don’t know, maybe I just want to say goodbye before you leave tomorrow.”

“I thought we had said goodbye already?” Aster blushes at the thought of their kiss on Main Street earlier that day.

Aster pauses for a moment, locking eyes with Ellie for a beat before dropping her gaze to the floor saying; “Maybe I want to try that again.”

Ellie takes a step closer, her brows furrowing slightly. “Yeah?”

Aster nods, her eyes flicking between Ellie’s lips and the dark brown orbs that are staring back at her intently.

Ellie takes another step forward until there is barely a gap between her and Aster. Her breath hitching in her throat, Aster smells like roses and mint and it is intoxicating. “Would you like to try it again right now?” Ellie whispers.

“Yes please”

Before Aster can finish her sentence Ellie’s lips are on hers, her hands in Aster’s dark waves. The kiss is soft and slow, not like the kiss on Main Street. Ellie takes her time, her tongue, slowly entering Aster’s mouth, testing the boundaries as Aster willingly lets her in, needing to feel more. Ellie pushes them both backwards until Aster’s back hits her car and Ellie leans into her, pushing their bodies together. Aster lets out a soft moan into Ellie’s mouth and it is the best thing Ellie has ever heard. Aster’s hands are holding onto Ellie’s waist pulling her close, their breaths ragged, their bodies reacting to the close proximity.

Eventually, Aster pulls away gently her chest heaving heavily, her hair a mess from Ellie’s fingers.

“Wow” Aster whispers.

“Yeah” Ellie grins, their eyes locking together.

Aster thinks she can see they’re whole lives play out in that moment. It’s so easy for Aster to picture all of it and her heart aches for the life they could have together if she was brave enough. If she could make that bold stoke and be with Ellie and let herself be loved. The debates they would have, the galleries they would visit, lazy mornings in bed with endless kisses. Aster can picture it all, with Ellie.

A small frown shadows Aster’s face and she thinks of judgement and her father and the thought of being someone else, someone brave. It’s almost too much to bear to think of the things she could lose by being bold.

“Good luck at Grinnell Ellie, you’re going to do great.” Aster smiles sadly, as Ellie looks back at her confusion and hurt echoing across her features.

“Aster, wait…” But Aster is already in her car, the engine starting up like a slow rumble into the silence of the night.

When she gets home, she sits in the car with her headlights off. She plays Joni Mitchell on repeat, she thinks about everything she has been taught about love and heartbreak and how she thought it hurt when she found out Paul was really Ellie. The truth is saying goodbye to Ellie when she has only just got her hurts so much more.

When she eventually slips into her house and up the stairs, she has a message from Ellie.

_SmithCorona: I’m willing to wait, if that’s what it takes._

Aster wants to say yes, please wait for me, wait for me to figure all this out. Wait for me to feel comfortable and happy with myself because I believe we could be amazing together but instead she responds.

_DiegaRivero: I can’t ask that Ellie._

_SmithCorona: You’re not. I’ve liked you for four years. I can wait a little bit longer._

Aster’s heart hurts for Ellie, for her loving a completely oblivious coward from afar. She deserves so much better than this.

_DiegaRivero: Four years? No girl is worth that._

_SmithCorona: You’re not just a girl_

Aster smiles at her phone.

_DiegaRivero: I’m sorry I ran away tonight, maybe we could start slow? College will be busy for both of us._

_SmithCorona: I can work with slow._

_DiegaRivero: Maybe when we’re away, we’ll both find something good to believe in._

_SmithCorona: I already have._

Aster grins, laying her head down on her pillow and falling into a restless sleep, her phone still in hand. She dreams of trains and warm springs and hands stained with bike grease.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments on my first chapter. 
> 
> In this chapter, Ellie and Aster are back from College for Christmas break. 
> 
> Enjoy and please leave kudos and comments.

_But now they only block the sun_   
_They rain and snow on everyone_   
_So many things I would have done_   
_But clouds got in my way_

_Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

Ellie’s first three months at Grinnell go by in a blur. She takes on too many classes, thinking she will need to keep herself busy. That’s the thing when you grow up with no friends, you don’t expect to ever really make any. Having been on her own for so long, despite her new friendship with Paul, she never thought she would be part of a group of friends. But there are plenty of things about Grinnell that surprise Ellie.

Like the diverse group of students that attend the College and the fact that most people seem to want to learn. Hands are raised in lectures and questions are asked, discussions are had. Ellie’s favourite lecture is British Victorian Literature, she learns about Thomas Hardy and devours Tess of the d’Urbervilles in mere hours of getting the book out of the library. Her roommate, Billie, a tall girl with wildly curly hair, laughs at Ellie’s love of books and the way she highlights her favourite lines with a yellow highlighter, so she can refer back to it at any opportunity. 

Billie is a Psychology Major, she wears black skinny jeans and white t shirts and listens to Taylor Swift on repeat, not that Ellie is complaining. When Ellie first arrived at Grinnell, Billie was already unpacked and sticking a large poster of Taylor Swift on her side of the wall. She had grinned when Ellie had entered the room toting her large suitcase and a cooler full of dumplings. 

“There are worse people to watch you sleep right?” She had smirked as Ellie looked up at the blonde woman smiling down at her. 

“I guess” Ellie had shrugged.

Billie is known on campus by nearly everyone, she is the life and soul of the party, and that’s every party. Billie takes Ellie out to meet friends, they go to parties and drink beer from a keg, share secrets and giggle. 

One night when they have had too much to drink, they sit on the floor in their dorm room leaning against Ellie’s bed, sharing a bottle of Vodka, passing it between the two of them like secret notes. 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Billie asks. 

Ellie nods drunkenly. 

“Is there anyone you like, you know around here or back home?”

Ellie is silent, her thoughts go to the dark haired girl with soulful eyes. Ellie hasn’t spoken to Aster since the night she had shown up at her doorstep. Ellie thinks about that night often, Aster lips on hers, the feeling of Aster’s fingers dragging over the skin of Ellie’s waist. Sometimes her fingers hover over Aster’s name on Ghost Messenger but she doesn’t know what to say. “Hi, how are you,” seems a bit redundant, sometimes she thinks of messaging with something more meaningful like, “I can’t stop thinking about you” but then she’s overwhelmed with the fear of Aster not replying or worse replying saying she has moved on, so she puts her phone down and pushes down the feeling of missing something that was never really hers to begin with. 

“Yeah someone back home I guess” Ellie shrugs. 

;;

Ellie returns to Squahamish for Christmas break, Paul and her Dad are waiting for her at the station, both of them donning large grins and waving cheerfully when they spot her stepping onto the platform. 

“Hi you” Paul says with a cheesy smile, nudging Ellie’s shoulder. 

“Hi wussy” Ellie responds rolling her eyes but her smile matches his. 

“So, we’ve got big plans tonight Chu. Trig is having a party at his place, because everyone is back from College. I thought we could go”

“Why would I want to go to a party at Trig Carson’s house? When I could be at home eating dumplings and watching crime shows.” Ellie asks.

“I can think of one very good reason why you would want to go” Paul says, with a smirk on his lips and his eyebrows raised. 

Ellie doesn’t reply, but she knows she’ll be going to that party. 

;;

Ellie is standing in the corner of Trig Carson’s huge kitchen, she’s slowly sipping a cup of beer, watching the social interactions of her former classmates. She’s standing in a group of people that she went to High School with, people she use to write essays for, she thought seeing them all again would make her feel 17 but even though she has only been in College for a few months, it feels like years have gone by, like she is a completely new person. Until the door opens and Aster Flores walks in, her hair is loose and wavy and she’s wearing jeans and an orange shirt, she looks like everything Ellie pictures when she closes her eyes. 

As soon as Ellie sees the dark haired girl, her throat goes dry, she brings the cup to her lips and takes a large gulp of beer. It isn’t enough, if Ellie is going to speak to Aster Flores for the first time in three months, she is going to need something stronger. 

Moving away from Paul’s side, Ellie makes her way to the makeshift bar. She pours herself a strong vodka and Sprite and takes a sip, letting the alcohol burn down her throat. 

“Wow, Ellie Chu drinking Vodka at Trig Carson’s party, never thought I’d see the day” Says a voice from behind her. Ellie stiffens up, the voice is like velvet wrapped in lace.

She slowly turns round and comes face to face with Aster smirking at her. 

“Hi” Ellie says. 

Aster laughs lightly, it sounds like the tinkling of wind chimes; “Hi Ellie”

The two girls stand opposite each other, their eyes locking intently. “How are you?” Ellie asks, breaking the silence. 

Aster nods, “I’m good” she responds, burying her hands into her denim jacket. “How about you?” 

“Yeah I’m good, great thanks, it’s uhm great to see you, you look uhm, you look great” Ellie rambles, her cheeks flaming red, putting the cup to her lips she takes another long drink to try and erase some of the shame. 

Aster grins at her, “You too” she says. There’s a pause and Aster looks down at her boots for a moment before asking, “Want to find somewhere to chat?”

Ellie nods enthusiastically, and the two girls leave the kitchen in search of an empty room. They’re unsuccessful in their hunt for a spare room, that doesn’t have people inside it making out. So they go outside, and sit on the porch. The air is cold and Aster wraps her arms round her legs as they sit on the steps of the house. Ellie has another drink to try and warm herself up, she offers the cup to Aster who accepts, bringing it to her lips and taking a long sip. She nods in approval and hands it back. 

“So how’s College treating you?” Aster asks after a moment of silence. 

“It’s good, I’m really enjoying my lectures, I’ve discovered a great British writer, Thomas Hardy. He writes the most amazing poems, you’d love them.” Ellie gushes. 

Aster nods;   
“Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,   
Saying that now you are not as you were   
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,   
But as at first, when our day was fair.” 

Ellie looks at her surprised, “You know him?”

Aster smiles, “He’s one of my favourite poets actually.” 

“I think he’s mine too, especially as it sounds so good when you say it.” 

Aster smiles, dropping her eyes to her lap. “So, have you met anyone at College?” She asks quietly. 

Ellie looks at her for a moment, Aster’s eyes remain trained to her lap, her dark hair falling over her shoulder. Ellie uses this moment to take in Aster’s face, her eyes tracing her jaw line, she looks worried, she’s nervously biting on the inside of her cheek as she plays with the silver ring that sits on her forefinger. 

“No, I haven’t, I guess I’ve never really given anyone a chance.” Ellie responds. 

“Why’s that?” 

“You know why, Aster.” Ellie pauses for a moment, for taking a deep breath, letting the Vodka talk she says “It’s like this, every time I read a piece of poetry I think of you, or every time I see a piece of abstract art I wonder if you’re living your life in bold strokes. I feel like I have been missing you for years and I want to talk to you and be with you all the time. You’re the most beautiful and most interesting person, I have ever met and I like being around you. No one I have met at College has even come close to you and I’m not sure they ever will.” 

“Ellie…” Aster is looking at her, her eyes a darker brown than Ellie has ever seen them before. She moves closer, leaning in slowly – and then they are kissing. It’s drunken and needy, Aster’s hands are on Ellie’s cheeks, her tongue sliding easily into Ellie’s mouth. She tastes like Vodka and lemon and her mouth is soft, Ellie wonders if she will ever experience anything as easy and as extraordinary as kissing Aster. They pull away for a moment, they look a mess and giggle at the sight of each other, Aster leans in and rests her forehead gently on Ellie’s. 

In the background there’s a loud bang of a screen door and the two girls jump apart. Paul appears and looks at Ellie apologetically, before muttering something about leaving the party. 

Ellie looks at him and nods and turns back to Aster, “He’s my ride” 

Aster looks at her, her cheeks are still flushed and her lips are pinker than usual, “Have a good Christmas Chu” she says. 

Ellie nods and mumbles something that sounds like, “you too” under her breath as Paul clears his throat in the background. She gets up and walks over to Paul, he turns to her with a big, dopey grin on his face. “Shut up dude” She says, as Paul lets out a loud laugh.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster is at College, figuring out who she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re all enjoying this, please leave your comments and kudos. Thanks!

_I've looked at clouds from both sides now_   
_From up and down and still somehow_   
_It's cloud's illusions I recall_   
_I really don't know clouds at all_

_Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

Aster Flores goes to art school in Chicago and if she is honest she has never felt more out of place. Chicago is worlds away from Squahamish in every sense. The people at College are bright and bold and different, Aster is drawn to all of them like a moth to a bright light. She craves to be different, in a way that is the same as them, she ditches the floral dresses for all black and combat boots. 

Aster has spent her whole life fitting in, knowing what to wear and what to say to make sure she always blends into the crowd. There’s something about needing to belong that Aster craves desperately, because when she searches deep down inside herself she knows there is something that is different about her. Something that only one other person truly understands. 

Aster loves every moment of her painting class, sometimes she paints large landscapes with blue skies and open spaces, other times she paints abstracts with broad strokes and golden colours shining through. Aster searches in her art for something meaningful, as though it should give her answers, but it never does. 

When Aster arrives in Chicago, she moves into the dorms, her roommate, Alisha, is a beautiful girl with cropped hair. She has a nose ring and she speaks with a strong Jersey accent. She wears bright colours and layers her jewellery over each other. Alisha is studying clay making and she often returns with amazing pots and bowls that she has created in class. One day when she comes back to the dorm, she brings Aster a clay vase with three daises placed in it, Aster thinks that’s the moment she can pinpoint their friendship blooming. 

One day Alisha pins the Pride flat proudly above the headboard of her bed and when Aster walks through the door she stares at it open mouthed. Everything about the flag is bold, the wide strips of bright colours, the meaning of each of them, it’s so… proud and bold. Aster drops her eyes from it and when Alisha spots her she looks at her with her brows furrowed. 

That evening they are sitting on their beds, Aster is sketching mindlessly, a faceless girl with long dark hair and Alisha has headphones perched firmly on her head, a loud bass pumping into her ears. Suddenly she takes her headphones off and turns to Aster accusingly. 

“Do you have a problem?” She asks.

“Sorry?” Aster asks surprised.

“Well, its just I’m gay and I just wanted to know if you have a problem with that?” Alisha’s tone softens a little. 

“Oh no-no. Not at all” Aster stutters. 

“Okay good, good.” Alisha responds, settling back onto her bed and lifting her headphones to her ears. 

“How did you know?” Aster asks quickly, before she can back out of asking the question.

“What?”

“How did you know that you were gay?” 

Alisha takes a moment to look at Aster, pink cheeked she’s picking at the skin around her thumb nail and refusing to make eye contact with her roommate. 

“I fell in love with a girl.” She replies with a shrug. Aster looks at her, dark eyes wide and nods. 

The conversation with Alisha stays with Aster for days. The simplicity of the answer, like it was so easy. Like she wasn’t plagued with religious belief and judgement and the thought of your family turning on you. Aster does everything she can to avoid thinking of Ellie Chu, with her dark eyes and soft lips and her complete understanding of the way Aster’s brain works. How even though she said she would wait for her, things might be different at College. Ellie might have found a beautiful, cool girl, who is so comfortable with who she is that Ellie will forget about Aster and her inability to make a decision. 

Ellie is like the bright sun and Aster is a cloud threatening to take a good day away. 

;;

When they return from Christmas break, Aster spends weeks dreaming of Ellie’s lips and how far she would let it go if Paul hadn’t interrupted them. All Aster wants to do is message Ellie and tell her how alive being around her makes her feel, but she doesn’t and she’s never quite sure why. 

They have been back in Chicago for a month and Alisha and Aster go for lunch at a local café. They both order coffee, Aster has taken up drinking it since moving to the new city and both light a cigarette, a new vice which Aster has found since starting art school. 

“I kissed a girl” Aster blurts out and Alisha’s eyes widen. 

“Okay” Her roommate responds slowly. 

Aster grins at her, “I know you want to react more than that but thank you for playing it cool”

Alisha laughs out loud, “So what’s her name?” 

“Ellie Chu” Aster says and it’s like gasping for air when you’ve been under water. Just saying her name out loud to someone and recognising that something is happening. Aster is growing tired of pretending everything is calm on the outside when inside it feels like a tsunami has hit her, leaving her in ruins and desperate for air. 

Alisha nods and Aster continues, “I don’t know who the fuck I am and Ellie is so sure and she gets me in a way no one else ever has. I feel seen by her. Before we left for College she said she would wait for me”

“Sounds like a cool chick.” 

Aster nods, “She is” 

“So what’s the issue?” Alisha asks. 

“My Dad, my whole family, hell the the whole damn town are conservative and religious. I just don’t know if I can be bigger than that, you know? I didn’t think I was this person and I’m having a hard time taking myself out of the box I thought I belonged in and finding a new box”

Aster’s cheeks are wet with tears and Alisha puts her hand out and grasps Aster’s on the table. “Aster, I’m not going to pretend that being brave is easy, because it isn’t. But maybe you can start with small steps in figuring out who you are.”

“In what way?” 

“I think we need to go to a party tonight” Alisha says grinning and Aster chuckles shaking her head and inhaling deeply on what is left of her cigarette. 

;; 

Alisha and Aster go to a party on Campus, they drink Vodka in their room before they go out and Aster is tipsy when she arrives. They do Tequila shots and dance drunkenly, cuddling up to each other and giggling. The guys whose party it is, Josh, is tall and blonde and very handsome. He reminds Aster of Trig, arrogant and ignorant but when he comes up and speaks to her, she flirts back trying to make sense of the tangle of thoughts in her brain. He smiles at her showing off his dimples and when he kisses her, he tastes like beer. It’s nothing like kissing Ellie but Aster does it anyway, pulling him in and letting him put his tongue in her mouth. 

Her head feels fuzzy and lost as he starts to touch her leg and she pulls away. Josh looks at her confused and annoyed. 

“Sorry I have to go” Aster mutters in the general direction that he is standing in and then she’s gone. 

She’s pulling out her phone and dialling the number before she can realise what she is doing. Ellie answers after the second ring and hearing her voice is like coming home. 

“Aster?” Ellie’s voice always makes Aster feel weak.

“Hi Ellie Chu” She slurs into the phone.

“Have you been drinking?” Ellie asks, she sounds amused and Aster giggles. 

“Maybe” She says, flirtatiously. 

“Are you okay?”

Aster takes a deep breath, she’s perched on her bed kicking her shoes off and tucking her legs underneath her. “I kissed a boy tonight” She admits. 

“Oh okay.” Ellie falters. “How was it?” 

Aster laughs out loud at the question, “What?”

“I don’t know, why are you telling me this if you don’t want me to ask?” Ellie shrugs and Aster can picture her, sitting in bed with a lamp on beside her, her glasses perched on her nose and a confused look on her face.

Aster shakes her vigorously, “It wasn’t great, maybe because now I know just how good a kiss can be” 

Ellie smiles, her heart thumping loudly in her chest, she wonders if Aster can hear it on her end of the phone. 

“I think about kissing you all the time” Aster whispers. “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

Ellie gulps, her mouth dry, “You do?” 

Aster nods, “Ellie, I want you to know that I am trying to figure all this out. It’s just hard I guess.” 

“Yeah, I know it is. If you want to talk, I’m here.”

Aster nods “I actually really want to sleep” She says with a yawn, pushing herself up the bed and placing her head on the pillow. 

Ellie chuckles softly, “Okay, get some sleep Aster.”

“Will you stay on the phone with me?” Aster asks, sleepily and Ellie agrees. The two girls laying down gently, phones still held to their ears, as close as they can get to each other from 300 miles away. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Aster return home to Squahamish for the summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos so far, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please let me know what you think.

_Moons and Junes and ferries wheels  
_ _The dizzy dancing way that you feel  
_ _As every fairy tale comes real  
_ _I've looked at love that way_

_Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

It’s the Summer after the first year at College that Ellie sees Aster again. It’s June and the weather in Squahamish is hot and sticky. Ellie dons thin vest tops and blue denim shorts that she bought in the Goodwill store. Her and Paul spend their days sipping on lemon coolers and sitting in the bed of his truck talking endlessly about nothing in particular.

“Did you hear that Aster is coming back this week?” Paul asks into the blue sky abyss. “I heard Paster Flores talking to someone about it.”

Ellie doesn’t respond. Her and Aster had been messaging a little since Aster had called her up drunk. They spend evenings on the phone aimlessly chatting about College and life. Aster sends photos of her artwork and sometimes even of herself and it makes Ellie’s mouth go dry. Every time Ellie sees a picture of Aster, she wonders if there is anyone else in the world that is as beautiful as her.

“I saw a flyer that said a fair is coming to town, that’s pretty cool” Paul says again, he’s crunching his way through a bag of Doritos. Tossing them into his mouth and catching them between his teeth.

“I hate fairs” Ellie responds.

“Who hates fairs?”

“What is there to like about them?” Ellie asks, sitting up on her elbows and blowing a sweaty strand of hair out of her face.

“First of all the food, nothing is as good as Fair Ground candy floss, secondly the rides and thirdly you can win over sized stuffed animals. One time, my brother won me a stuffed pig which was bigger than my bed.” Paul grins, impressed with himself.

Ellie chuckles at him shaking her head, laying back into the bed of the truck, “Well I’m not a fan so I won’t be going” She says in response.

;;

Paul mentions the fair once a day for a week until Ellie finally agrees to go with him. The fair is bright and loud and goes against everything that Ellie enjoys, like reading old books and drinking decaf tea and playing soft chords on her guitar.

Paul pulls her arm in every direction, taking out his money for every game he possible can.

“I’m going to win you something Chu!” He announces proudly as they stand in front of a large stall. “You want a goldfish?” He asks looking at her eyebrows raised a big dopey grin plastered across his face.

“What? No, please don’t win me a goldfish” Ellie says shaking her head emphatically.

“Oh come on you could name it Paul and take it back to Iowa with you.” He chuckles and dodges a punch from Ellie.

The game is ridiculous Ellie thinks, Paul has to try and hit three plastic pineapples in a row with a bean bag and for the joy of it, he pays $8. He wins though, throwing his arms up in victory and turning to Ellie with a large grin, he approaches her for a high five which Ellie reluctantly gives him.

“What do you want Chu?” Ellie’s eyes scans the stall, looking at the bright coloured fluffy toys and bags of goldfish hanging up.

“I think that’s cute” says a voice and suddenly Aster is standing next to her, dark hair tumbling down her back. All the bright lights and loud noises of the fair are dim in comparison to the girl smiling shyly at her. Ellie swallows and looks at the toy Aster is pointing at, it’s a small grey elephant no smaller then the palm of a hand. She’s right, it is cute.

Ellie nods and points to it as well, looking at Paul, “That one please” and Paul nods as the woman behind the stool hands it to her.

“Hi” Ellie says sighing. “You’ve got to stop doing that”. 

“Doing what?” Aster smiles.

“Surprising me.”

“I got back a couple of days ago” she says with a shrug. 

Ellie hands Aster the small elephant, “You should have him.”

“I don’t want to steal your well deserved prize” Aster says with a hint of sarcasm.

“I want you to have him, maybe it’ll remind you of me.” Ellie responds bravely.

Aster takes the small toy and holds it in her hand, she looks at Ellie through her long eyelashes, “Did you know that elephants never forget?”

A smile forms on Ellie’s lips, she can feel Paul hovering behind her, not sure of where to put himself. Aster has made him nervous ever since she slapped in the church and he has yet to make eye contact with her.

“Do you want to go on a ride or something with us?” Ellie asks, pointing to the fair ground beyond the three of them.

Aster nods and the two girls start to walk towards the nearest ride, Paul catches up to them jogging lightly. “Hey, I thought you hated rides?” He asks his best friend accusingly.

Ellie scoffs, “I didn’t say that” She responds, looking at Paul pointedly, he’s about to argue with her but chooses to close his open mouth and follows the two girls to a ride.

The group go on four rides and Ellie hates every single one, the only good part is when they are flung high up in the air and Aster squeals with joy but grabs Ellie’s hand firmly, interlocking their fingers. Paul realises the true meaning by two is company and three is a crowd and when he bumps into a few guys he used to play Football with he makes his excuses and leaves Ellie and Aster alone.

The two girls stand awkwardly together, blushing slightly as the tips of their fingers brush delicately against each other.

“Are there any other rides you want to go on?” Ellie asks and Aster shakes her head.

“I get the impression you’re not a big fan” Aster chuckles and Ellie flushes crimson.

“I thought I might be able to fool you” She says.

Aster lets out a loud laugh and its like a symphony to Ellie’s ears, “You cant fool me Chu. Come on I’ll drive you home.”

The two girls walk to Aster’s car in silence, that’s another wonderful thing about them Ellie recalls, they don’t need to speak to understand each other. Ellie watches Aster as her eyes follow the couples that walk by, their hands interlinked, cuddling up to each other dizzy and sparkly eyed.

“Do you think we’ll ever get that?” Aster asks suddenly, her head motioning to a couple kissing, her eyes are a mixture of something that Ellie hasn’t seen before, sadness and wistfulness.

Ellie doesn’t say anything, she’s use to seeing same sex couples at Grinnell. There are two girls that are a couple living in the same building as her. She sees them every morning as they hold hands on the way to their classes, they kiss each other gently before parting ways. Ellie often watches them as she heads to her own class, she thinks about having that with someone of her own, and not just anyone, with Aster. Kissing each other goodnight and good morning, holding hands in the street, cuddling up together at the movies. All the ordinary and beautifully mundane things they could do together.

“Yeah I do” Ellie responds seriously. 

Aster looks at her, hopefully “That would be nice.”

They get to Aster’s car and get in, Fleetwood Mac blares through the radio and Aster goes to switch it off. Ellie reaches out and touches Aster’s hand gently, “Leave it on, I love this song”. 

Stevie Nicks’ raspy voice weaves its way around them and Ellie winds down her window and lets the warm breeze of the evening into the car.

_Wait a minute baby  
Stay with me awhile  
Said you'd give me light  
But you never told me about the fire_

They drive back to Ellie’s house and sit in silence with the engine switched off.

Ellie clears her throat, “Do you want to hang out this summer?” She asks.

Aster looks at her sadly, “Ellie, I’d love to but I’m only here for a week and then I’m going to Sacramento for the rest of the summer, Dad’s orders” She says with a shrug.

“Oh, well maybe you’d like to come and visit me, you know when we’re back at College or I could come and see you. I’ve never been to Chicago” Ellie rambles on until Aster puts her hand gently onto Ellie’s leg. Ellie feels like her whole body is on fire, the way Aster’s hand feels on her skin and the darkness in her eyes, it’s one of the most delicious things she’s ever felt.

“I’d like that” Aster smiles softly. Ellie takes a breath and leans in slightly, Aster smells like sweat and honey and Ellie thinks she could breathe that smell in forever. Gently Ellie pushes her lips against Aster’s, it’s soft, a barely there touch of the lips. A reminder to Aster that they could have everything, if she gave them a chance.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie returns to College after the summer and starts to enjoy College life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving comments and kudos for this fic. Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter. Thank you!

_But now it's just another show_ _  
__And you leave 'em laughing when you go_   
_And if you care, don't let them know_ _  
__Don't give yourself away_

_\- Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

After Aster leaves for Sacramento the summer is long and boring. Ellie agrees to work in the local library, she spends the hot days enjoying the air conditioning the old building has just installed. She finds herself draped over chairs, enjoying reading for leisure, something she is rarely able to do with all the books she has to read for college.

At 4pm on the dot, Paul pulls up outside the library beeping his car horn loudly. Ellie throws a haphazard wave to Mrs Goldstein the librarian. The two drive to the edge of town, drink sodas and eat tortilla chips until the sun goes down.

Ellie doesn’t hear from Aster at all that summer, and she desperately holds onto their final kiss. She thinks of how soft Aster’s lips felt against hers, how Aster’s breath had hitched in her throat when Ellie moved closer, the heavy feeling of Aster’s hand on her bare leg. Ellie wonders if there is a single moment that passes, that she doesn’t think of these things. When its late at night and she’s in bed, Ellie’s fingers slip beneath the waist band of her pyjamas and she clenches her eyes tight shut and thinks of Aster.

;;

Despite the summer going by slowly, September comes round before she knows it and Ellie returns to College. When she returns to Iowa, there is a chill in the air and the trees start to fill with reds and oranges, brighter and more vibrant than Ellie could ever imagine leaves could be.

Ellie starts to say yes when her roommate, Billie, asks if she wants to come with her to meet her friends. They go to a local diner, and order fries for the table and sit and chat. They go to the cinema in a big group and watch the type of films Edwin Chu would scoff at. They go to parties and drink beer and play flip cup, a stupid game, which Ellie swore she would never do. Months tick by and Ellie finally sinks into real College life but as time goes on Ellie still doesn’t hear from Aster.

In the group of recent friends Ellie has made, is a girl, Sutton. Sutton is tall and blonde, she has sparkly bright blue eyes and she chats animatedly about things she is passionate about like Graphic Design and indoor plants. Ellie finds out about Ferns and Ivy and the right amount of water to give an Orchid so it doesn’t die. Ellie finds Sutton funny and when she laughs she hiccups afterwards and Ellie thinks it’s the sweetest thing ever. She is the complete opposite to Aster, and although Ellie doesn’t know if she has a type, she would guess her type is Aster Flores, mainly because that’s the only person she has ever thought of kissing.

One night at a party, Sutton kisses Ellie while they’re standing in the corner chatting. Ellie is mid sentence talking about the recent module that she has started in her English Literature class, Unruly Women and Degenerate Men, when Sutton leans forward and presses her lips to Ellie’s. The blonde girl backs off almost as quickly as she leaned in, her cheeks are pink and she bites her lip nervously, she shrugs slightly before saying;

“I’ve been thinking about doing that for weeks.”

Ellie swallows, her mouth feels dry, because she’s thought about it a little too. Wondered what kissing someone else would be like, Sutton is pretty and funny and sometimes when she thinks Ellie isn’t looking, her blue eyes bore into the side of Ellie’s face as though she is examining something very special. Ellie likes the thought of being someone’s crush.

;;

By November, the two girls are unofficially together, they hold hands as they walk through campus and spend their evening wrapped up in each other pretending to study. As the months pass the two girls easily fall into each other and Ellie still hasn’t spoken to Aster.

It’s late November and Ellie’s birthday, and despite Billie pleading with her to throw a party, Ellie would much rather have a quiet night in with Sutton. Eventually she folds and agrees to having their friends round to their room. They watch a movie and most of Ellie’s friends chat their way through it, they drink beer and eat pizza and it is everything Ellie thought a birthday with friends would be.

Her friends along with Sutton go before midnight and Billie leaves with them muttering something about Ellie not waiting up for her and throwing a wink in her direction. Sutton leaves Ellie with a deep kiss and her friends make kissing noises behind them as Ellie blushes a scarlet red.

She’s clearing up pizza boxes and bottles of beer when there’s a soft tap on the door. Ellie smiles to herself, she had been hoping Sutton would come back, that they might be able to spend some alone time together.

Ellie swings open the door, greeting the girl on the other side with her biggest smile.

“Happy Birthday Ellie” says the girl, holding a balloon with a small grey elephant attached to the string.

“Aster” barely a breath.

Ellie had almost convinced herself that Aster Flores wasn’t the most beautiful girl she had ever seen, but there she is standing in front of her. Dark eyes wide and expectant, she’s smiling shyly and biting down on her bottom lip.

Aster shakes her head as though she is talking herself out of the decision to be standing in front of Ellie, she pushes her hair away from her face.

“I just thought, I’d drive and come and see you.” She shrugs, like its no big deal, like it isn’t a 4 hour drive across the country. “You know, give you your birthday present.”

Ellie doesn’t say anything and the silence between the two girls is deafening. Ellie can see Aster nervously biting the inside of her cheek but all she can think is that three months ago she would have given anything to have Aster Flores standing outside her door. But seeing her now makes Ellie’s head fog up with confusion.

“Is now a bad time?” Aster asks eventually, breaking the tension between the two of them.

“Oh no, come in” Ellie mumbles, moving out of the way as Aster walks past her. They stand together and the silence starts to fill the room up from the bottom.

“Sorry, its so late. It was kind of a spur of the moment decision to come” Aster says, shrugging as her eyes fall on the clock.

“That’s okay, its good to see you.” Ellie replies and it breaks Aster’s face into a smile.

“Have you had a good birthday?”

“Yeah its been good, probably one of the best.”

Aster smiles at that comment and edges her way closer to the bespectacled girl in front of her. “Aster” Ellie mumbles, she’s trying desperately hard not to notice just how close they are. There’s a small gap between the two of them and Ellie can feel her heart pounding faster by the second.

“That’s good to hear. I thought maybe I could stay here tonight? It’s kind of a long drive home” Aster asks, her voice is gravelly and barely a whisper and she is so close that Ellie’s eyes flutter shut at the feel of her hot breath on her neck.

“Yeah sure – okay” she stutters in response. “You can have my bed, I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Aster smiles, “You don’t have to, I wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with you.”

Ellie takes a deep breath, “Aster I – I have a girlfriend” the sentence flies out of her mouth and it feels foreign to say out loud, she watches the hurt flash across the dark haired girl’s face.

Aster takes a step back putting space between herself and Ellie. “Oh right” Her cheeks burn bright red and she can feel a lump forming in her throat. Of course Ellie has found someone, you can’t expect someone to wait around for you, especially when you haven’t spoken to them in three months. Ellie was always going to find someone who knows who they are, who is willing to make that bold stroke and be with her.

“Sorry” Aster stutters, “I shouldn’t have just shown up here, it was stupid.” She lets go of the balloon and Ellie watches as it floats to the ceiling, hanging above the two girls. She sees the small elephant that Paul had won Aster at the fair tied to the end of the balloon string. The elephant hangs in midair and Aster stares at it in embarrassment.

“It’s not stupid” Ellie says, an instant reaction to Aster criticising herself.

Aster looks at Ellie, moving her hair from her face and straightening up. Ellie tries to read Aster’s features, you’d think watching someone at a distance for four years would give you an insight into their emotions, but Aster doesn’t give herself away.

“I should go Ellie, its not that long of a drive.” Aster starts to move towards the door but Ellie blocks her, shaking her head.

“You don’t need to go, stay the night and you can go in the morning. Please.” She pleads with Aster and the dark haired girl looks like she might argue but she’s tired and so sighs and nods.

Ellie puts some blankets on the floor and creates a makeshift bed for herself as Aster watches her, her eyes are distant though as if she’s thinking of something else entirely.

Aster clears her throat, “Do you uhm, have any pyjamas? I didn’t bring any.” She stares at the floor and flushes crimson. The embarrassment of showing up on Ellie Chu’s door step with the assumption that something more than kissing might happen makes Aster want to drink so much Tequila she blacks out and conveniently forgets this whole nightmare.

Ellie stares at her and then nods and looks out an oversized shirt, its only as she is handing it over does she realise the shirt is the very one Aster had stripped off her in the hot spring. She had pulled it over Ellie’s head and the two girls had giggled as Ellie’s glasses had come with it. Aster had then pulled it over her own naked body, Ellie’s mouth went dry at the thought of it. Aster is also staring at the shirt as Ellie hands it to her.

“Thanks” she mutters, taking it. Ellie turns around instinctively as Aster starts to undress. As Ellie stares at the wall, she desperately wants to say something, anything to make them both feel better. She wants to explain that she did want to wait for Aster and that her relationship with Sutton was unexpected but lovely and she can’t give up on someone who cares for her, who wants her. Aster needs time and Ellie understands that, maybe this isn’t their moment, maybe it never will be. Maybe Ellie and Aster are like two passing ships in the night on completely different paths but destined to admire each other from a far. Maybe that can be enough for both of them.

But she doesn’t say anything. Instead the two girls get into bed and Ellie switches off the light, plunging them into darkness.

Aster feels safer as the darkness surrounds her and the two girls lay in their respective beds for a few moments in silence.

“Thank you for coming to see me” Ellie says eventually, her voice loud and stark in the twilight hour.

“I should have messaged before I came, I didn’t realise you were seeing someone” Aster responds quickly.

“It’s quite new”

Aster doesn’t ask any questions, she wants to know everything but she’s desperately trying to hold on to some of her dignity.

Ellie continues; “I haven’t heard from you since the summer Aster.”

“I know.”

“I need to give this thing with Sutton a chance.” Ellie says, attempting to explain herself.

“It’s fine Ellie, I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy” Aster turns in the bed to face Ellie laying down on the floor. The sheets smell of the bespectacled girl and it takes everything in Aster not to breathe it in.

“We both deserve to happy” Ellie says, Aster smiles and nods slowly as the two girls face each other and Ellie reaches her hand up to the bed and wraps her pinky finger around Aster’s. A promise.

The two girls eventually fall asleep, fingers remaining clasped together and when Ellie wakes the next morning Aster Flores and her yellow shirt are gone. In their places sits the small grey elephant and a note folded up.

It reads; “What if I’m sure now”

Ellie sits on the edge of her bed holding the note in one hand and the elephant in the other. Taking a breath she folds the note up and places it gently in the pages of her copy of Remains of the Day.

Maybe its okay to keep something as just barely repressing longing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster goes home and tried to deal with her broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments and kudos on previous chapter. I’m sorry for breaking all your hearts, but things will get better for Ellie and Aster. Please let me know if you like this chapter. Thanks!

_I've looked at love from both sides now  
From give and take and still somehow  
It's love's illusions that I recall  
I really don't know love   
Really don't know love at all_

_Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

Aster drives all the way back to Chicago without stopping. She walks into her dorm room in a haze, barely acknowledging her roommate, Alisha. Aster lays on her bed faced down, Alisha sits gently beside the girl who is currently buried into her pillow, her hair a mass of dark curls.

“She has a girlfriend” Aster’s muffled voice says and she turns and looks at Alisha, her eyes shining slightly with tears.

“Oh Aster, I’m so sorry” her friend replies, stroking the girls hair away from her face.

“I’m so stupid, how could I think she would just wait around for me?” Aster asks.

Alisa doesn’t know what to say, Aster looks heartbroken and she wishes she could take that pain away because nothing is worse than a broken heart. She would know.

“You’re not stupid Aster, sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.”

Aster looks at her intently, “What am I suppose to do now?” She asks her friend.

“Well this is probably going to hurt like hell for a while and all you can do is try to get through it as best you can and eventually, it won’t hurt as much.”

Aster nods, “I’ve just got to get through it.” She repeats.

;;

Aster does get through it, but there’s always a small part of her heart that hurts when thoughts of Ellie Chu drift unexpectedly into her minds eye. In the months that follow her unfortunate trip to Grinnell, Aster goes to parties with Alisha and drinks so much she blocks the feeling of pain that sits in the pit of her stomach. She dances out the hurt at frat parties and kisses girls and boys in a drunken attempt to feel something that isn’t her broken heart. Through this, she discovers she far prefers kissing girls, with their soft lips and smooth skin, although they are not Ellie, they are beautiful. One night she goes to a party and drinks far too much, she dances with a dark haired girl who has her glasses perched on top of her nose, when the girl tries to kiss her, Aster backs off and leaves the room in search of more drink to consume.

Some things are just too close to home.

The next morning she wakes up with a hangover and no recollection of getting back to her dorm.

Alisha looks over to her, disappointed, “Aster, when I said you would get through it, I didn’t mean like this.”

Aster nods, unable to muster the energy to argue and instead gratefully sips the water Alisha has left next to her bed.

That Sunday Aster goes to the local church and sits in the back row. Despite telling her Father she had been going to Church every Sunday for the past 6 months, Aster has not stepped foot into a Church since leaving Squahamish.

The Pastor standing in front of Aster is young, he talks of love and acceptance and when Aster looks around she realises how many young people from her College there are. To finish up the service the Pastor says, “I don’t know who needs to hear this today but God made you exactly who you are meant to be and you should be yourself always and be it with pride, because God loves you.”

Aster doesn’t realise she is crying until the wet tears fall on her hands and she sits in the pews head bent, weeping for everything she thought she was and everything she never wanted to be and everything she truly is.

A boy a few years older than her sits opposite her and offers her a tissue, he smiles kindly. “Guessing you did need to hear that” He says.

Aster nods in response and sniff a little, “I’m Mason” says the boy, holding his hand out.

Aster takes it, shaking it gratefully, “Aster” she replies quietly.

Mason invites Aster out for coffee and the two sit opposite each other awkwardly. Aster looks up at him through her long eyelashes, he’s very handsome. With dark thick hair and big brown eyes, he reminds of her Trig. He buys her a drink and the two sit in the coffee shop quietly until Aster clears her throat and says. “I’m not really looking for anything at the moment.” She motions between the two of them and Mason looks at her in confusion, she continues. “It’s just I’m trying to figure some stuff out right now, so it’s probably best if we stay friends.”

Mason laughs out loud and Aster looks at him in surprise, “Sorry” he says. “Aster, you know I’m gay right?”

Aster can feel the heat flood to her cheeks as she realises just how much she’s messed up. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry” She shakes her head, Mason is chuckling at her and Aster buries her face in her hands. She has spent most of her life in Squahamish as the girl everyone wants and although she doesn’t want to sound conceited she knows she is pretty. The truth is Aster has been rejected more in the past three months than she has in her whole life. Perhaps this is what she needs to figure out who she truly is and what she wants.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realise that you were uhm gay” she says quietly.

Mason smiles at her, “That’s okay” He looks at her curiously, Aster is almost holding her breath as she avoids his eye contact.

After a moment she takes a breath and looks him the eye, “What’s it like?” She asks.

“Being gay?”

Aster nods.

“Well, I came out about a year ago and I’m dating this guy who really likes me and is comfortable with who he is and who we are together and honestly it like being able breathe again after holding my breath for so long. I come from a fairly religious family and they definitely don’t approve of it. But I am the only person who has to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am living my truth. And its true what Pastor James said, God made us all in his image and he wouldn’t have made me like this if he didn’t believe it.”

Aster looks at Mason like he has just hung the moon for her, its like finally understanding everything she has been battling with. All the fears and demons she has been fighting this year have been slain by this beautiful boy and Aster looks up at him, her eyes sparkling with tears. She nods and whispers, “thank you”.

;;

Soon Mason and Alisha become Aster’s two dearest friends. They go everywhere together and when the summer rolls around again, the three decide to all squeeze into Mason’s apartment. Mason gives Aster and Alisha his bed and he takes the sofa, on the strict rules that he can keep the wardrobe, which they all agree seems like a fair deal. Aster gets a job working at a coffee shop down the road and spends the days working and the evenings with Alisha and Mason. Aster loves every moment of freedom and revels in being able to spend her summer how she wants. She makes art on her days off and her and Mason discover their love for pale rose which, thanks to Mason being over 21, they buy every Friday night after work. The three friends perch themselves on their tiny balcony, knees pressing together as they sit lined up and sip wine from chipped mugs, they look out onto the city beneath them and Aster thinks that this is almost enough. But then she thinks of Ellie Chu, with her dark eyes and powerful mind and sense of all knowing, and although she loves Mason and Alisha, she wonders if anyone will see her the way Ellie did.

She thinks about what would have happened between them when she went to see Ellie at Grinnell. How the story would have been if Ellie didn’t have a girlfriend. When it’s late at night, she imagines it ending very differently. She pictures kissing Ellie and admitting she is ready for them to be together. She imagines pulling each of Ellie’s individual layers off her and kissing every inch of skin she can find. She imagines them pressing themselves together, skin on skin and then waking up together and getting breakfast in the morning hand in hand. Instead, she had returned to Chicago her heart broken into tiny pieces and although Aster has slowly put the pieces back together, she is never quite the same.

;;

The summer begins to draw to a close and Aster and Alisha are all to aware that soon they’ll need to return to College. Their days of an infinite summer are ending and Aster is mournful as each day fades away. She’s closing up the coffee shop when the bell rings as someone comes through the door.

“I’ll be with you in a moment” Aster says over her shoulder as she finishes cleaning the filter on the coffee machine.

When she turns around, Ellie Chu is waiting, expectantly. Aster lets out a small gasp at the sight of the girl that has occupied her thoughts for longer than she cares to remember.

Ellie smiles at her, “Hi” she says.

Aster stutters a little as she wipes her wet hands on her jeans. “Ellie, hi”.

The two girls look at each other and let out a small awkward laugh. Seeing Ellie feels like coming home after a long day, like taking a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding. Over the last few months, missing Ellie had come in waves, at times Aster would float along the surface and let it carry her. Other times, Aster swears she could drown in the ache she had for Ellie Chu.

“Can I get you anything?” Aster laughs as she runs her fingers through her lose waves.

Ellie is watching her intently, like she is seeing Aster in a new light. “Oh just a black coffee please” She replies.

Aster nods, “Hardcore” she says with a light chuckle.

“Well there are lots of things that have changed about me since I last saw you” Her voice is deeper than usual, serious and when Aster turns back to give Ellie her drink, Ellie’s eyes are darker than she has ever seen them.

“What are you doing here Ellie?” Aster asks.

“I thought maybe I should take my own advice you know? Be bold.” She says, looking down at her coffee.

Aster falters, “Oh, I see.”

“I wondered if you would like to go for a walk with me when you’re finished here?’ Ellie asks, she seems nervous and it takes Aster back to High School, to Ellie’s longing looks and hopeful glances. Back to when Ellie looked at Aster like she had hung the moon and she believed the two of them could be twinkly stars together over looking the world.

Aster nods, “Sure, I’m closing in about 20 minutes”

Ellie smiles in what looks like relief, “I’ll wait” she replies. Taking her coffee and perching on the breakfast stall that faces the counter. The two girls smile at each other and Aster continues on with her jobs. The pair fall into a comfortable silence and the time ticks along easily. When Aster is done cashing the till up and tidying the chairs away, she removes her apron and drags her fingers through her hair in an attempt to brush it.

“You look beautiful” Ellie says and Aster believes her.

The two step outside into the cool evening air and walk slowly down the street, Aster looks over to Ellie, she’s wearing blue acid wash jeans, one leg cuffed just like in High school, her hair is tied back so Aster can see all of her face. She is beautiful. “What are you doing here Ellie?” She asks.

Ellie looks out into the distance, the sun is starting to make its way further down the sky and she can see the golden light shining just over the buildings that encompass her and Aster.

“I broke up with Sutton at the beginning of summer. I thought that I could move on and be with someone else but in the quiet moments I always think of you. What do you think that means?”

She looks at Aster expectantly, like she has the answers. “I don’t know” she shrugs honestly. Ellie stops abruptly and Aster follows suit. Ellie pulls a note out of her jean pocket and unfolds it. “Did you mean this?” She asks, her eyebrows are furrowed and her cheeks are pink. She looks as though she has needed the answer for a long time.

Aster stares at the note she had written nine months ago, “What if I’m sure now.” Aster’s mouth is dry, when she had written that note she thought she was sure. But now time has passed, she feels like a completely new person. Like she has shed her old self, like you shed layers in the springtime. She has changed and grown and blossomed into someone different.

Aster takes a breath

No matter how much she has changed over the last few months, there is something that has always stayed the same.

She is completely in love with Ellie Chu.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie stays the night with Aster in Chicago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your lovely comments on the chapters so far. I am really glad you’re enjoying it. Just a little warning for this chapter, it contains smut. 
> 
> Let me know if you like this chapter by giving kudos or comments. Thanks!

_Tears and fears and feeling proud  
To say, "I love you" right out loud  
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds  
I've looked at life that way_

_Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

Aster stares down at the crumpled note, at a loss for words. Ellie looks expectantly, patiently waiting for Aster to answer her.

“I’ve carried this around with me for the past 9 months and I just need to know if you meant it?” Ellie pushes.

Aster swallows, her throat is dry and her tongue feels too big for her mouth; “Yes I did” she responds.

And just like that its out there and Ellie’s lips are on hers and Aster’s hands are on the small of Ellie’s back pulling her in closer. Ellie’s fingers are pushing into Aster’s hair, her mouth wet and open and its too much and not enough all at once.

They pull apart and Aster looks into Ellie’s deep brown orbs and she thinks this was how it was meant to be.

Ellie looks down the street as she hears a loud wolf whistle echo towards them, Aster matches her gaze and lets out a soft chuckle, shaking her head at the two people walking towards them. Ellie frowns as they are approached, the boy with floppy brown hair throws his arm easily around Aster’s shoulders and Ellie’s chest tightens with a pang of jealousy. The girl next to him laughs and takes out a packet of cigarettes, offering one to Aster who takes one and Ellie who declines.

“You must be Ellie Chu.” The girl says, inhaling.

Ellie nods.

“I’m Alisha, this is Mason.” She points at the boy who is standing far too close to Aster. Ellie is feeling hot and confused, her eyes flit between the three people facing her and eventually they settle on Aster. She has never seen this version of Aster before confident and independent, so sure of herself. Ellie looks her up and down, taking a mental picture of the dark haired girl. White t shirt and black denim jeans hugging her in all the right places. Aster holds the cigarette to her lips and inhales, her eyes match Ellie’s and she raises an eyebrow, daring Ellie to criticise her unhealthy habit.

“These are my roommates” Aster says introducing her friends.

“Roommates, besties, personal advisors, you name it. We are it.” Mason says chuckling.

“Guys, this is Ellie.” The two smile welcoming and look unsurprised by Ellie.

“We know.” Alisha smirks and Aster blushes crimson.

“Ellie, we’re going to a party tonight at my boyfriend’s place, you should come” Mason says smiling.

“Ellie probably has to get back to Iowa, its quite a long journey” Aster interrupts.

“Don’t be silly, Ellie can stay at our place, right Mase?” Alisha pipes up.

Ellie can feel all three pairs of eyes looking at her expectantly. She’s caught between going back to Iowa, where she is due to start her new job in two days time, where she is safe from getting her heart crushed by the girl standing in front of her and agreeing to go to a party with these people she doesn’t know and Aster Flores.

“Yeah sure” Ellie replies and Alisha and Mason nod in approval, while Aster remains silent and unreadable. She flicks her cigarette to the floor and the three friends with Ellie in tow start to walk down the street.

;;

They arrive back at the small apartment not long after 5 and Ellie can’t believe that three people have been crammed into such a small space for the whole summer.

“You have no idea how hot it can get in here” Alisha smirks with a wink and Ellie sucks in some air and begins to cough on it unexpectedly. Aster laughs at her friend, kicking her shoes off and going to fridge. She pulls out a bottle of wine and sets down four chipped mugs onto the counter, pouring into them generously. She hands them round, giving Ellie the final mug, it’s white with a large red love heart on it and underneath it someone has written in sharpie pen “I LOVE MEN!”

Ellie looks at it and lets out a loud fake laugh, “Very funny” she mutters to Aster who grins back slyly, eyebrows raised.

“Be careful with that” Mason says with a warning in his voice. “That’s my favourite mug.”

The friends take turns getting dressed in the bedroom they seem to all share, Aster disappears for an hour and Ellie is left to explore the tiny apartment. She opens the large window which exits onto a balcony and climbs onto it. It is adorned with plants and there’s a small white seat which she sits on, looking out onto the setting sun. The sky looks like it’s been painted by someone, one bold stroke at a time it fades from a bright pink into a deep orange, the remains of the blue sky day barely left behind.

Mason pokes his head out of the window; “You okay Chu?” He asks with such casual confidence that Ellie feels like they have known each other their whole lives.

Ellie nods, “Thank you for letting me stay” She says.

“No worries. I hope you’re here to win her back, she’s dealt with a lot but she’s never truly moved on” Mason responds and before Ellie can reply or ask more questions he’s gone and in the distance she can hear music and the tinkling of Aster’s laugh.

When Ellie returns to the apartment, her eyes fall on Aster straight away. She’s wearing a satin strappy cami top that clings to her body and accentuates her breasts. Ellie tries desperately hard not to stare but she seems to fail dramatically by the way Aster’s eyes meet hers daringly.

“Ellie, do you want to borrow a top?” Alisha asks, interrupting Ellie’s thoughts.

“It’s okay, I’m good I think” Ellie responds, looking down at her blue jeans and plaid shirt.

Mason coughs, “Ellie I say this with love. Borrow a top” the group laugh and so does Ellie,following Alisha into the bedroom. Ellie borrows a plain black t shirt, that is far tighter than the usual oversized shirts and baggy tops that she normally wears. Alisha even convinces Ellie to let her put make up on her, applying mascara to her eyelashes and a small amount of colour to her cheeks.

“So, how long have you liked Aster?” Alisha asks as she loosens Ellie’s hair from the messy pony tail she had bundled it into earlier that day.

“I don’t know, since she moved to Squahamish I guess. So in middle school” She replies with a shrug.

“Wow so a long time.” Alisha responds and then she says “Please don’t hurt her again” 

Ellie nods. Sometimes she thinks she has loved Aster since the first time she saw her, she was 12. Aster was new to the school so she had to stand up in front of everyone and introduce herself. Her hair was long and dark and she looked different to all the other girls in Ellie’s class. Just like Ellie. She had stumbled over her words as she had said her name and Ellie thought she was perfect. In the years that had passed that belief never went away, Ellie put Aster on a pedestal in her mind and worshipped her from a safe distance. And then one day she couldn’t stay away anymore, she needed to know her and understand her and once she started she couldn’t stop, until they collided with each other completely and messily. Since then the two girls have been tethered, an invisible string connected them together no matter what. Ellie can’t walk away from Aster, even if she wanted to.

When Ellie emerges from the bedroom Aster swallows, their eyes lock together and Ellie wants nothing more than to walk right over and kiss her. But the air has shifted since their kiss in the street earlier that day and sometimes it feels like Aster is rewriting the rules constantly, never giving Ellie a chance to understand them.

;;

The group get an Uber to the party and they arrive at a small house, the music is blaring and every room is packed full of people drinking and dancing. People approach the group as they arrive, and Ellie can tell Aster knows a lot of them, greeting them with friendly smiles and eager hugs. They get inside and Aster pulls Ellie by the hand to the kitchen. She pours them both a shot and the two girls down the burning liquid.

An hour ticks by easily and Ellie is desperate to find a moment alone with Aster, she wants to talk through everything that has happened, the note, the kiss. She wants to tell Aster that she is so in, she always has been and she was stupid to pretend she could move on because the truth is that Aster has never been far from Ellie’s thoughts.

A girl sneaks up behind Aster wrapping her arms around her torso and kissing her on the neck. The girl is tall with short blonde hair and Ellie can feel her stomach drop. Aster turns and the girl kisses her on the lips, Aster pulls away quickly, flushing crimson and when she turns back to Ellie. She’s gone.

Ellie is crossing the front yard of the house when Aster chases up to her.

“Ellie wait”

“What the fuck was that Aster?” Ellie turns, her voice coming out harsher than she means it to.

Aster is taken aback for a moment before she says “Look, you don’t get to just show up after nine months and think that I am just going to surrender myself to you.” Her voice raised angrily. 

A flash of pain flickers across Ellie’s face, “I don’t think that” she mutters.

“What do you want from me Ellie?” Aster asks her voice breaking slightly.

“I – I just wanted to know if you meant what you wrote in that note.”

“I already told you I did” Aster says, biting the inside of her cheek.

Ellie nods, “But why?” She asks. “Why did you write it?”

Aster throws her hands up in the air in exasperation, “I don’t know, maybe because I’m in love with you.” And just like that she’s said it, right out loud and the air between the two girls shifts. Aster stares back at Ellie, her eyes wide with the confession fresh on her lips.

“Oh” Ellie responds.

;;

Aster isn’t sure how they both end up back at Mason’s apartment, but they do. Aster slowly leads Ellie into the bedroom, her hand pulling her gently. They sit on the edge of the bed next to each other and Aster sighs into the quiet.

“I’m in love with you too” Ellie says, its loud and confident against the silent tension that has been held between them all day. And just like that Aster is kissing Ellie, she climbs on top of the dark haired girl and Ellie drinks in every moment. Aster’s legs are either side of her own as Ellie finds her fingers in the tangle of dark curls. Aster moans into Ellie’s mouth and she can’t help but grind herself into Ellie’s thigh, searching for some kind of relief for the tension that has built between them for years.

Aster’s mouth moves to Ellie’s neck and she kisses down towards her collarbone, sucking and nipping at it gently. Ellie’s fingers run across Aster’s back and round towards her stomach, flitting across the skin lightly, the fingers of a musician. She pulls Aster’s top loose and tugs it over her head. Aster lifts her arms up to allow the top to be pulled off her, she had foregone a bra when she chose her outfit and she is regretting that decision. For a moment she feels shy, covering her chest with one arm but Ellie moves it away gently. She takes in the way Aster looks flustered and shirtless. She thinks she could remember this for the rest of her life.

“You’re beautiful” She whispers and she leans in and kisses Aster again, so slow it is almost painful. She takes in every moment of getting to be with the dark haired girl like this, in a way she has imagined plenty of times, when it has just been herself and the dark.

“You’re far too dressed” Aster whispers against Ellie’s lips. She pulls the black t shirt over Ellie’s head and her glasses come off too. Falling onto the bed, Ellie grabs and puts them on quickly, not wanting to miss a single moment. Aster reaches behind Ellie and nimbly undoes Ellie’s bra.

Ellie’s pulls away slightly for a moment, “What about your friends?” She asks. The last thing she wants is Alisha and Mason bursting in on them and ruining the moment.

“It’s fine, they won’t be home tonight” Aster responds, her chest heaving up and down and her eyes dark with want.

That’s all the reassurance Ellie needs, she moves to kiss Aster, her mouth hot and wet on the skin between her neck and ear. Aster whimpers softly into Ellie’s ear and Ellie can feel herself grow wet between her legs. The two girls break away and look at each other, “Are you sure you want this?” Ellie asks.

“Yeah I am, are you?” Aster says seriously and Ellie nods back.

Aster climbs off of Ellie and the pair make their way to the top of the bed. Aster lays down and Ellie hovers above her, spreading her out on the blanket beneath her. Her hair falls over her shoulders in waves and Ellie’s fingers gently glide across her stomach and up towards Aster’s breast. She strokes the curve of her and then gently rolls her thumb over Aster’s nipple. The other girls lets out a soft _oh_ and it is the single greatest sound Ellie has ever heard. Aster’s fingers wrap around Ellie‘s neck as she pulls her down for a kiss, deepening it easily by sliding in her tongue. Aster guides Ellie’s mouth to her chest and Ellie gratefully complies, gliding her tongue over her nipple as Aster presses her thighs together and lets out soft whimpering noises.

Ellie kisses down Aster’s stomach, exploring every inch of tanned skin. She reaches the black jeans she is wearing and unbuttons them easily. She looks up at the girl for encouragement and Aster is looking back, her eyes almost black, Ellie takes the hint and pulls the jeans off. Aster kicks her legs to try and release the trousers and Ellie laughs at her.

“Calm down Flores, all good things come to those who wait” Her voice is tinged with humour.

Aster huffs in response and sits up on her elbows, “I feel like I have been waiting for this since our first kiss”

Ellie raises an eyebrow, “Please, that’s nothing. Try waiting for this since we were like 15.”

Aster grins back at Ellie, “Wow, 5 years is a lot of pent up frustration Chu. I hope I can live up to the hype.”

“Are you serious? This is way better than I ever imagined” Ellie replies.

“You’ve imagined it?” Aster asks, her voice drenched in humour.

Ellie’s face tinges pink but she manages to keep her cool, “Maybe, and spoiler alert, it ends really well”

Aster laughs and pulls her in for a kiss, it grows intense again quickly and Ellie makes her way back down Aster’s body settling in between her thighs. Aster spreads her legs a little wider, as Ellie pulls down her underwear and tosses them behind her. She leans in closer and drags her tongue tentatively along Aster, she’s wet and the dark haired girl lets out a low moan. Aster begins squirming underneath Ellie as she licks and sucks and grazes in all the right places and all Ellie can think as Aster’s thighs squeeze around her head is that she will remember this moment for the rest of her life.

Aster’s body suddenly arches off the bed and her hands are in Ellie’s hair as she releases, moaning out Ellie’s name softly, its like a symphony to Ellie’s ears. Ellie continues to lick until Aster pushes her head away gently.

“Wow” Aster mutters and Ellie barely has time to think before Aster is pulling her towards her, kissing her gently.

Aster flips them over before the need to sleep can settle into her bones, she kisses down Ellie’s chest to her taunt stomach, gently sucking on the skin just below her belly button. Ellie moves beneath her, desperately trying to get some relief. Aster’s body is pressed against her own, skin on skin and it still isn’t enough for Ellie.

Aster pulls Ellie’s jeans off and her nimble fingers move slowly to Ellie’s underwear, she draws slow, languid circles over Ellie’s clit and the friction is too much to bear.

“Fuck” Ellie whispers, her voice gravelly and Aster grins with pride and reaches up to kiss her deeply.

Aster’s fingers speed up and soon Ellie can feel a build happening somewhere deep inside her. Aster breaks away to pull down Ellie’s panties, before slowly sliding one finger inside her. Ellie lets out a gasp and she grabs onto Aster’s wrist in reaction to it.

Aster looks up, startled, “Do you want me to stop?” She asks.

“No, never stop”. Ellie responds breathlessly, releasing Aster’s wrist. Aster lets out a chuckle before continuing. Her fingers switch between dipping inside Ellie and rolling over Ellie’s clit quickly and easily and before she knows it Ellie is buckling against Aster’s hand, her name falling onto her lips and the whole thing is a crescendo.

Aster moves towards Ellie and kisses her slowly and gently, she pulls away and looks intently at her and asks; “Was it everything you imagined?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, Ellie and Aster finally go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I’m sorry to have disappeared for a bit. Things have been a little crazy as my girlfriend and I got married. But I am back and am looking forward to finishing this story for you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_Oh, but now old friends they're acting strange  
And they shake their heads, they say I've changed  
Well something's lost, but something's gained  
In living every day_

_\- Both Sides, Now - Joni Mitchell_

Ellie is awoken by the sun streaming in through the opened curtains and the feeling of Aster drawing soft lines with the tips of her fingers across her back. She blinks as her eyes adjust and turns in the bed looking at Aster, her eyes are fluttering as she drifts in and out of sleep. 

Ellie thinks back to all the times she dreamt of this very moment. Waking up to Aster Flores, feeling her soft skin pressed easily against her own and she can’t believe this is her life. Aster begins to stir and Ellie props herself up on her elbow, looking at the dark haired girl intently.

“Morning” Aster says sleepily, her voice soft in the morning air.

“Morning” Ellie replies as she looks down at the dark haired girl laying beneath.

There’s a beat of silence between them. 

“So last night was…” Aster trails off, her cheeks flushing pink as she reminisces of the night before, of skin on skin and soft moans and it being not enough and too much all at once.

Ellie nods, “Yeah, it was”

Aster bites her bottom lip softly and looks up at Ellie with dark eyes and before Ellie knows it Aster’s lips are trailing down her neck, nipping delicately at her skin. Ellie’s hands start to roam across Aster’s stomach and she elicits delicate gasps from the girl. Ellie thought that last night was the best it could be, but as Aster writhes underneath her in the warmth of the sunlight, she thinks this moment must be better. She makes a mental note of the way Aster’s skin looks and her soft breathy gasps in her ear as Ellie’s fingers hit all the right places.

Eventually they rise from the bed and make breakfast together, Aster dons an oversized t-shirt which skims the tops of her thighs, and Ellie’s fingers trail the hem of it as she pushes Aster easily against the counter kissing her, causing Aster to giggle into her mouth.

“We can’t keep doing this” She mumbles kissing Ellie.

“Why not? I’m making up for lost time.” Ellie says.

Aster laughs easily and her fingers slip into Ellie’s hair. “Come on, seriously”

Aster’s eyes are dark and sincere and Ellie is suddenly taken back to being 16, to standing in a thrift shop and asking Paul how you know if a girl wants to be kissed. Back then all she wanted was for Aster to want her back, to be able to take her out on their version of a date, and here they are, Aster‘s body pressed easily against her own, her skin dotted with marks made gently by Ellie’s mouth, and she realises that she has everything she has ever wanted.

She looks up at Aster and grins, “Let me take you on a date today, you know, a proper one.”

Aster grins; “Does it include milkshakes and fries?” She asks teasingly and Ellie rolls her eyes. 

;;

The two girls push their way through the busy Chicago streets as Ellie leads the way, phone in one hand and Aster’s fingers firmly gripping the other. Aster giggles; “You know if you tell me where we’re going, I could give you the directions.”

Ellie looks at her and frowns, “That doesn’t sound like much of a surprise does it?”

She focuses back on the maps on her phone and pulls Aster down a side street. “Okay, we’re here!” She announces throwing her arms wide with pride.

Aster looks up at the shop in front of her; “Wow, Ellie this is… wow”.

The second hand book shop stands quaint but proud amongst a row of Butchers and jewellery makers and other small businesses. Aster doesn’t think she has ever seen so many books and as the two girls enter the bell above the door dings announcing their arrival. The tiny shop is crammed full of every book you could possibly imagine; American History, autobiographies by beautiful Hollywood stars, Russian Literature, the list goes on. Ellie takes Aster’s hand and pulls her to the back of the shop, they stand next to a small sign which reads ‘British Literature’ and before Ellie can say anything Aster kisses her firmly and confidently. Her lips are warm and she smells floral, like the perfume she had sprayed before they had left the apartment together and this day feels like the beginning of something.

Aster pulls out an old book from the shelf, its binding is creased from being opened so many times, and the pages have been folded over repeatedly by its many readers. Aster opens a page and reads from it, her voice like honey dripping from a spoon.

 _“I wandered lonely as a cloud_ _  
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,  
When all at once I saw a crowd,  
A host, of golden daffodils;  
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,  
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.”_

She sighs holding the book to her chest; “Don’t you wish you go to England one day, doesn’t it sound so perfect.”

“We can go” Ellie responds quickly and Aster looks at her, an eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

She lets out a giggle, “You would go to England?” She asks. “With me?”

“I’d go anywhere with you” Ellie shrugs, picking a spot on the floor and staring at it, burying her hands in the pockets of her jeans.

Aster reaches out and gently pulls at Ellie’s chin lifting it so Ellie’s eyes meet her own; “Hey, you don’t need to be shy anymore you know that Chu.” She says gently. “I’m in you know, I’m so in and so ready. I know I spent a lot of time figuring all that stuff out but I’ve done it and I meant what I said last night, I love you. In a really really big way and I want this, if you want this too?” Her voice trails off as she finishes what she’s saying and her cheeks start to flush.

Ellie looks at Aster intently and her mouth turns up into the widest smile, “I want this too.” She says and she lets out a little laugh; ‘God, I want this so much”. And then her lips on Aster’s and her arms are wrapping around her waist and she realises she’s getting everything she ever wanted amongst the musty smell of second hand books and its everything her 16 year old self dreamed of and more.

They buy lots of books and end up in a coffee shop sitting opposite each other reading their purchases in silence, every now and again one of them reads out exerts from their books for the other to indulge in.

After a while Ellie puts her book down on the table and watches as Aster’s eyes flicker as she reads.

“What are you thinking about?” Aster asks, her eyes still focusing on the page in front of her.

Ellie looks down bashfully, maybe she’ll never get use to being caught staring at Aster Flores. “I have to go back home tonight you know.” Ellie responds and Aster nods, biting her lip.

“I really wish you didn’t have to, I wish we could live every day like this.” Aster says with a sigh. 

Ellie smiles, a feeling of melancholy sinking into her bones, for a life that exists without work and responsibilities. A life that is just the two of them, making love and exploring new cities and finding cosy second hand bookshops.

“I’m pretty sure that’s called being unemployed.” Ellie responds and Aster snorts into her drink.

;;

Aster drops Ellie to the train station as the sun starts to set, and when her lips leave hers, Ellie misses them immediately. “So I’ll call you when I’m home and I’ll see you next week.” Ellie says and Aster smiles confidently, a smile Ellie isn’t sure she’s seen before.

“Next week.” Aster agrees with a nod and she turns on her heel getting into her car before she can lose all dignity and beg Ellie to stay.

In the car Aster turns the radio on and Joni Mitchell’s raspy voice plays through the speakers and she’s transported to the night after her and Ellie’s kiss. Sitting in her car with Joni Mitchell keeping her company as she questioned everything she thought she knew about herself and she realises that everything had to happen like this, that everything had to come full circle to this very moment. Because falling in love with Ellie was inevitable, and it did feel like falling; breathless and scary and your stomach plummeting to the ground but she was here and she was feeling it and she had said I love you out loud and she hadn’t been struck down by God. And she realises that being who you are and living a life you are proud of, is living in bold strokes.

When Aster gets home, Alisha and Mason are sitting on the balcony, enjoying the last of the evening warmth. Aster ducks her head as she climbs through the open window to join them, Alisha hands her a glass of wine and she takes a sip looking out onto the sprawling city beneath them.

“You good?” Mason asks, his dimples flashing at her.

“The best.” Aster replies with a dreamy grin.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster visits Ellie at Grinnell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, thank you for your lovely comments and kudos on previous chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

I _'ve looked at life from both sides now  
From win and lose and still somehow  
It's life's illusions I recall  
I really don't know life at all_

_-_ _Both Sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

The week passes by quickly for Ellie as she starts her new job, learning the ins and outs of office life. Her role as intern at the large publishing house is mainly to fetch coffee but every now and then she is entrusted with printing and copying which always makes for an exciting change of scenery.

She spends most of her time, working, preparing for school to start again and dreaming about her weekend with Aster. The two girls spend the week texting each other and Aster sends her photos of herself each night, some more risqué than others and they make Ellie’s mouth go dry with want.

When Friday rolls around, Ellie waits for Aster outside her dorm, she sits on the steps in front of the large bricked building, her nose buried in the edition of Little Women that she bought at the second hand bookstore the previous weekend. It’s starting to get dark when Aster’s yellow car rolls into the parking lot and Ellie’s stomach flips as Aster gets out, the dark haired girl smiles at her, all white teeth and dark earnest eyes. She almost looks shy as she waves at Ellie, grabbing her bag from the boot of her car.

Ellie walks the short way to meet her and takes Aster’s bag from her, the pair look at each other awkwardly for a moment. The air is filled with nervous tension, the kind you get when you like someone so much you can feel every hair on your body stand up when they’re near. Ellie leans in and places a gentle kiss to Aster’s lips.

“Hi” Ellie says.

“Hi” Aster response smiling shyly.

“Welcome to Iowa” She says widening her arms proudly.

Aster chuckles, “Hopefully this will be better than the last time I was here.” She laughs nervously but Ellie can tell Aster is thinking of her birthday. Ellie’s heart hurts for the thought of Aster driving the four hours from Chicago to Iowa to surprise Ellie, to admit she was ready, only for Ellie to be with someone else.

Aster is obviously thinking about it too as she nervously bites her lip. “Shall we go up?” Ellie asks and they do.

Ellie’s roommate, Billie, isn’t back yet as term hasn’t officially started, so they have the place to themselves.

They walk into Ellie’s room and Aster sits on the edge of the bed looking up at the large poster opposite her on Billie’s side of the room.

“Do you like having Taylor Swift watching you sleep?” She asks, tilting her head slightly and looking at Ellie.

“Uhm well at first no, but if I’m honest she’s sort of grown on me you know?”

“Plus she’s pretty hot” Aster says with a wicked smile and easy wink, and Ellie inhales too much air and chokes a little. She isn’t used to this Aster, the one that’s confident in her sexuality and what she likes. When they had slept together the weekend before, it didn’t go unnoticed that she seemed to know what she was doing. Ellie’s been thinking about it all week, and if she is honest she’s desperate to know if Aster has been with anyone else. Not that it would matter, Ellie tells herself, she had slept with Sutton when they were together, but still, Ellie had always imagined being the first one to touch Aster. Her thought trails off when Aster gets up from the bed and starts looking around the room.

Despite Ellie having lived there for a year, her side of the room is bare. Her desk contains a lamp, her laptop and two books stacked on it, the shelves above it have a photo of her and her Dad when Ellie was younger and a battery powered alarm clock. Her guitar stands in the corner of the room and the small elephant Paul won at the fair sits on her pillow.

“You’re very tidy” Aster says, as she picks up one of the books on Ellie’s desk and leafs through it.

Ellie shrugs, “It’s easy to be tidy when you own about 6 things”

Aster looks at Ellie and realises there isn’t much at all that she knows about her, and yet she has completely fallen in love with the girl stood in front of her.

“What do you want to do?” Ellie asks.”I was thinking if you were hungry we could go out for dinner or order in, there’s this really nice Chinese place down the road. Surprisingly authentic food, I think even my Dad would enjoy the dumplings.” Ellie rambles on until Aster interrupts her.

“Take out sounds good.”

They order enough food to feed six, and sit on the floor crossed legged opposite each other, Ellie lays a blanket down and steals some candles from Billie’s draw. “I’ll replace them” She says and Aster smirks at her.

They are half way through the mountain of food when Aster asks; “What’s the bravest things you’ve ever done?”

Ellie looks up surprised, “I don’t know, kissing you in the street before I came to Grinnell I guess.”

Aster nods and then asks; “Why did you do that?” Her voice is soft and serious.

Ellie eyes match Aster’s and she says; “I just kept thinking, what if I never see you again? What if we were to go off and lead separate lives and fall in love with other people or you were to marry Trig and I never showed you or at least tried to explain why I wrote those letters for Paul. Maybe it would be okay, you know, loving someone else but I tried it and when I try not to think about you, that’s all my brain wants.”

“I’m not sure it’s your brain Chu.” Aster says with a smirk and the raise of an eyebrow.

Ellie laughs out loud, “Yeah okay, maybe it isn’t, but it is my heart. You have all of it Aster, you always have.”

Slowly, Aster crosses the blanket towards Ellie, and the two melt into each other easily. A tangled mess of hair and misplaced kisses and moans of more. They make love again and again, until bones ache and muscles burn, and Aster’s lips are plump and swollen from Ellie’s kisses. Afterwards she’s laying on her front as Ellie draws patterns into the pale skin of her back when Ellie blurts out hurriedly; “Am I the first?”

“What?” Aster says lifting her head slightly to get a better look at Ellie.

“Am I the first girl you’ve slept with?” She says it slower but as soon as the words come out of her mouth she immediately regrets it. On second thought, she isn’t sure she wants to know. It was hard enough when Trig used to kiss her in the school hallways but the thought of someone eliciting moans from Aster the way Ellie does, it made her head hurt.

Aster moves around a little in Ellie’s bed, sitting up and the letting the covers fall a little. She bites her lip nervously and pushes her hand through her tousled curls. “No” she says and Ellie looks up from her lap surprised.

“Ever since I came here for your birthday, I sort of fell off the deep end.” Aster admits.

“What do you mean?”

“I was hurt Ellie, I’m not saying you didn’t have the right to meet someone else and move on. I know I fucked up by not calling but I came here that night because I wanted to tell you that I was ready and I thought we would have this amazing, romantic moment and we would sleep together and it would be each other’s first time you know? And we would always have that, no matter what happened and then I got here and you told me you had a girlfriend and I felt like such an idiot. I drove home and I made a decision to not fall for anyone again, and instead find anyone that would have me as long as I didn’t want them.” Aster’s cheeks blush crimson and she buries her head in her hands for a moment before looking at Ellie. “I wanted it to be you and I wish it was but you’re the only one who has mattered.”

Ellie’s thoughts race, she wants to know so much more, like how many girls there had been or if there had been boys or if it had been better with her. Instead she chooses not to torture herself or Aster, because the important thing is that they are finally here, Aster laying in Ellie’s bed having explored every inch of each other. They still had so much time and so much more to learn about each other, perhaps that’s the best part of falling in love. The movies always make out it’s the falling part, but what happens once you’ve landed? What happens when you’re on solid ground and someone has caught you? That must be the best part, Ellie thinks to herself.

Ellie moves easily towards Aster and places a kiss on her lips, and they taste like each other and the start of something and Aster looks so relieved. Ellie can’t put her finger on what it is but when Aster breaks the kiss and leans across the bed, picking Ellie’s guitar up it sure feels like the start of something exciting. Like a bright early morning frost or going on a drive with no destination or the smell of freshly laundered sheets. Those small, exciting things that make life really something.

Ellie didn’t think her life would turn out like this; Aster Flores in her bed begging her to play something.

“Please, I’ve never even heard you play” She says.

“Fine what do you want to hear?” Ellie gives in laughing.

“I don’t know, do you know anything by Joni Mitchell?”

“Yeah I think so” Ellie says.

She gently strums her guitar and her raspy voice sings;

“Rows and flows of angel hair  
And ice cream castles in the air  
And feather canyons every where  
Looked at clouds that way.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final moments of Ellie and Aster’s story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see my author’s note at the end.

_It's life's illusions that I recall_  
_I really don't know life_  
_I really don't know life at all_

_\- Both sides, Now – Joni Mitchell_

In the months that follow, Aster and Ellie learn almost everything about each other. They visit each other regularly, Aster driving her little yellow car to Iowa, the anticipation of seeing Ellie jumping in her stomach like a live wire as she drives down the free way.

They spend long, languid days wrapped in the sheets of Ellie’s bed, making love and reading books. Swapping notes and reading their favourite sections aloud. When they go out, they hold hands around campus and Ellie pulls Aster into her, placing light kisses to the side of her head as Aster chats away about their plans for dinner or how her friends are. Ellie thinks she could listen to these little snippets of Aster’s life forever; all the boring, every day small thing that make us, as humans, so unique. For Ellie it isn’t about the big things.

;;

Although the big things do come of course, there are arguments between the two girls, like when Ellie accuses Aster of flirting with another girl at a dorm party.

“Are you actually joking right now Ellie?” Aster’s voice comes out raised and high pitched.

And Ellie knows deep down that she’s being unreasonable, but she can’t seem to stop. It’s like the need to pick at a scab that is nearly healed, only to open it back up again; to have blood pouring from the new skin that had begun to heal around it.

“I’m just saying, if you want to flirt with someone just don’t do it right under my nose.” Ellie says indignantly.

“You know what Ellie, screw you.” Aster responds, picking her jacket up from where she had placed it moments before their argument had ensued. She opens the door and walks out of it, slamming it hard with intent and forcing one of the photos of the two of them from the wall it had been stuck to.

Ellie sighs, pushing her face into her hands and shaking her head. She doesn’t even know where the accusation came from, she doesn’t know what Aster and the blonde haired girl had been talking about. She had been chatting to Billie about Taylor Swift’s latest album, trying to figure out who each of the songs were about, and then she had heard the tinkling of Aster’s laugh standing out amongst the chatter and music of the room. When she had looked over, Aster had her head tipped back as she was laughing at whatever the blonde girl had said. Billie had looked over too, and must have read Ellie’s mind, because she gave her a look that said, ‘don’t start’. But Ellie couldn’t help it, she had ignored Aster for the rest of the night and stormed ahead of her when they had walked back to her dorm. As soon as Aster had closed the door behind her and taken her jacket off, Ellie has spun round asking accusingly, “Why were flirting with that girl?”

Aster had looked at her confused, her eyebrows knitting together, she even let out a soft laugh, “What?” She asked.

Ellie sighs to herself, what the hell is wrong with her? She reaches for her phone, dialling Aster’s number and letting it ring. Aster doesn’t pick up. Fuck.

Ellie grabs her keys from the side and bolts for the door. She finds Aster sat on a bench, opposite their favourite coffee shop on campus.

Ellie approaches her quietly; “Hey” she says softly, her voice tinged with embarrassment and regret.

Aster looks up , “Hi” she replies gently. All the armour that had been held between them placed to the floor as they realise they don’t know why they were fighting.

Ellie discounts the bench and instead drops down to her knees in front of Aster. The other girl’s cheeks are wet from tears, and Ellie’s heart hurts that she’s the one that is responsible for it.

“I’m so sorry” Ellie says, after a moment of quiet passes between them. “I didn’t realise I was jealous until I saw someone else making you laugh and then it was like this big messy feeling that I couldn’t control.”

Ellie takes a shaky breath, being honest about how she feels still isn’t something she’s used to. When Aster doesn’t respond she continues; “I shouldn’t have acted so insecure and I’m really sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Aster looks down at her solemnly, before reaching a hand out and delicately stroking the side of Ellie’s face. Tracing the soft skin of her cheek down to her jaw, running a finger lightly along it. “I chose you, you know… In every sense of the word, you’re the person I want to hold hands with and talk about 70s music with and _be_ with. It’s always been you.” The two girls kiss and take the easy walk back to Ellie’s dorm room.

When they return, Aster pushes Ellie against her wardrobe and gently pulls off Ellie’s t-shirt, running her fingers along her ribs and up towards her chest, touching her over her bra. Ellie leaves hot, breathy kisses into Aster’s neck and pulls Aster towards the bed. Aster puts one leg over Ellie and climbs on top of her, taking her top off at the same time, her dark hair falls in waves over her tanned shoulders and her eyes are darker than Ellie has ever seen them. She moves her way down her girlfriend’s body, pulling gently at her jeans. Ellie lifts her hips, giving Aster more access, kicking them off easily.

“Aster, wait.” Ellie whispers into the darkness, she sits up, switching on the lamp on her bedside table. “I want to be able to see you.” She says shyly and Aster isn’t sure why but this is the biggest turn on. Her need and draw to Ellie is so strong, and really it always has been, ever since she caught her staring at her in music class in Junior year, Ellie has never been far from Aster’s thoughts.

And here they are, 5 months into their relationship and she realises that maybe they were always meant for each other. Destined to collide into a combustion of love and lust and the need to be in each other’s lives.

Aster leans up and kisses Ellie slow, almost too slow, Ellie moans into her mouth and flicks her tongue against the bottom of Aster’s mouth, causing the other girl to smile. Aster takes the hint and resumes her descent of Ellie’s body, running her tongue over her ribs and sucking on the skin just above her panties, leaving a dark pink mark and eliciting a sharp _oh_ from Ellie.

Aster kisses Ellie through the cotton of her black panties and Ellie moans, lifting her hips up towards Aster, begging her. Aster pushes her girlfriend’s panties down her legs and breathes her in, pressing a firm kiss to her, Aster begins licking and Ellie soon becomes a soft writhing mess under her. Her hands finding their way into Aster’s hair, gripping it tightly.

When she comes, Aster’s name tumbles out of her mouth along with numerous explicits which makes Aster chuckle lightly. When Aster pulls herself up, she kisses Ellie on the mouth letting Ellie taste herself on her tongue.

“Ellie Chu, you’re the only one I want to do that with, okay?” She says sincerely, wrapping Ellie into her arms. Ellie nods quietly, leaning into the dark haired girl’s soft embrace. The feeling of affection and love, and safety washing over her like the first warm rays of sunshine after winter.

That’s what being with Aster is like, like a warm sunny day or a glass of cool water when you’re parched. She’s everything Ellie had built in her mind when she was growing up, and more.

;;

The next day they go for breakfast, and Ellie watches as Aster eats her scrambled eggs on toast and drinks her hot tea.

Aster looks up, matching Ellie‘s gaze and Ellie doesn’t feel the need to look away; “what?” Aster says, touching the corners of her mouth like she has some food on it.

“Nothing – I just – I like watching you do normal things.” Ellie shrugs shyly. “I could watch you forever actually.”

Aster looks at her, her eyes soft and kind and she smiles; “You can, you know? No one is stopping us from doing this forever.”

Ellie looks at her from the napkin she has been picking at delicately, “You would want that?”

Aster laughs, the same tinkling laugh that sounds like wind chimes on the back porch of someone’s house. “When are you going to get this Ellie, I want you and this for as long as you’ll have me. I love you.” She reaches across and places her hand over Ellie’s, the act is soft and firm.

“I was actually wondering if we should talk about, what our plans are after graduation. Where we want to live and stuff.” She says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like they can just make plans to be together and it’ll be easy. And then Ellie realises that maybe they could have that. Maybe life didn’t need to be the struggle it had been in High School, maybe Ellie and Aster have both already paid their dues and they could have this easy and beautiful life together.

Ellie grins, at her girlfriend bringing her hand up to her mouth, placing a gentle kiss to it.

“I’d really love that.” She responds and the two girls smile at each other, as easy as anything. Like two people that were always meant to find their way to each other.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, so this is my final chapter, I really wanted to finish this for you all. Thank you for all your kind comments and feedback on this story. I hope you’re all staying safe and well out there. I’m not sure about you guys but I am loving The Wilds at the moment so I might be writing another story soon for that fandom. So hopefully I will see you all soon.


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